Chronicles of L. VonDeadly

Reserved.

To become whole you must let yourself be broken. "If someone wants to be in your life, they will make an effort to do so. If they don't make the effort, don't reserve a space for someone who isn't going to stay." I'm still learning.

Stranger Danger.

Sometimes I imagine you've just walked into wherever I am. I see your face in strangers. I double take as if there was any chanceinhell it was you. Yeah, right. The most I can expect from you anymore is a passing comment and that is if I am lucky. You are the only one who has ever brokenmyheart. A feat in itself. It hits me like a ton of bricks in the face, an elephant on my chest, the world on my shoulders. Life is such a hassle without you in it and even worse when you are here. It is a fruitless, moot point now. And all I can do is project this onto every poor soul I meet as if it were their fight, their problem. It is easy to tell the truth, if you can just get your voice to stop shaking. Are you just another conquest? If I had been the conqueror would I be so caught up in your every action? Who knows anymore. All I can tell you is that I owe this girl an apology for staring at her all night. I should probably tell her that I am nothing to fear. Just a lonely soul looking for you.

Last Laugh.

I know, you knew, I know.

They don't stop to talk, they just pass and grin. Fooled by a smile, they wave as the joke is on them. I am baffled that you believed it. I am shocked that you assumed so many things. I am terrified that everything I've ever said to you is now ammunition. My tongue must spill these truths bursting from my heart or else the chest concealing it may burst.

Not never. You know that. You've always known that. NOT NEVER. I could write a thousand words to show you what you mean and it would all be in haste. I can't win. I will never win. I will always be this one way mirror to you. Spill your every thought, hope, dream and fantasy into me. All you will see is it reflected. All the while I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to make you understand that everything I'm saying is coming from a place of true love and adoration for you. Yet, It's too late.

You lost me. Not when you said the love was gone. Not when you found someone new. Not when you assumed that I was acting the way you expected. You lost me today. When the respect flew out the window. When you didn't trust your gut - and took me for a fool. I'm not. You are. And in the end I still have the last laugh.

 

Riot.

You want a riot? I'll give you one. You have no idea who I am. How alike we really are. How easily I recognize those tells. Those key movements that give way to the nerves. Eating your soul alive everytime you lie. Everytime you scare yourself with how easily it comes, and how shockingly perfect it sounds to the untrained ear.

Yes, it's magnetic. There is no doubt. But  I see through you. I cannot judge, nor give you any reason to stop the lies and sneaky behavior. God knows I am guiltier than thee. But I will tell you this. It will never work. Magnetism aside. Harmony aside. I will never believe a word that comes out of that succulent mouth. Because there will always be the voice in the back of my mind telling me it likely isn't true. I stopped being the victim a long time ago. I eat people like you for breakfast. So please spare me the melodrama this time and just back away slowly, or else a riot is exactly what you will get.

Ewwww, gay people!

One of my personality traits is an innate desire to keep other people happy. It's a disgusting, spineless habit that I've never been able to break - only tame down to a place of resolve. I don't take pride in making other people uncomfortable.

 

Until now.

 

I feel banished and shunned in my own neighborhood. These cute little Protestant families of 5, driving their five star safety tested sedans, are treating us like the scum of the Earth. Do I know for a fact why everyone in this block hates me? No. If I asked, they'd probably state a list of things we'd done wrong - though we've only been here 4 months we seem to have offended every inhabitant of 55th Street personally, including the 6 year old girl who drove her bike up to my front door to tell me that smoking was bad and I was going to die. Charming.

 

I have a theory. Someone must have told them that they were going to catch the gay from us. Understandably, I mean it is a gnarly disease but I hear their church has a cure for it anyway. And, what does the reason they are treating us like crap matter? From day one we moved into that house we have gotten nothing but shunned. Dirty looks, snarky comments and now it's escalated to being screamed at on our own property. We are NOT disrespectful. We take out our trash on time, smile and wave to no avail on our way out, and we have ALWAYS moved the cars by the basketball hoop [which lies on public property] when they ask us. No one ever complained to us directly that we were being loud. Had they done so, I would have apologized and moved everyone inside. Because that is the respectful thing to do. We are all cohabiting this same little green place, there is no reason to get so much sand in your vagina.

 

We aren't bad people. We aren't mean people. We never gave them a reason to treat us this way. I've never had a problem anywhere else I've lived. I don't feel comfortable in my own house. So no, I'm not taking down that sign. I'll move it to the backyard where my audacious lesbian lifestyle won't offend anyone. Or better yet, I'll just carry it with me to take the trash out, to weed the garden, to check the mail.... All whilst wrapped in neon yellow caution tape. Or maybe I'll print out a pamphlet and pass it around to all the homes so that they understand that as long as they don't make eye contact with me, the gay can't spread.

 

I need whiskey.

Fools.

I am a despicable addict to the worst kind of drug. Love. I am knee deep in a desperate need, that bad pleasure that is amazingly good. How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard? If only this kind of desperation were as easy to succumb to in real life. I yearn for the day I can find someone that I love and worship as eagerly as I do this feeling of numb But I can't. Or I haven't yet. Either way.

I miss you.

 

Everybody Sing Along.

The ultimate desire to really feel like you're a part of something, that you matter. To find a connection. I can't live without doing what I do, so I have to accept the fact that I will suffer for it. I haven't felt this completely lost in years. It's frightening to feel that cold, numbness wash over your body. I don't look different. My soul has abandoned me and left a vacancy in my chest. It must have found a home somewhere else. Left behind is emptiness and a few sparse memories. So yes, I can see why you would pick me to blame. It's easy. I make a great poster girl for fear because I represent what everyone is afraid of; I do and say what I want without any sense of harm. I can see into the future, because I repeat the same mistakes. It's a process really. Slap on a smile, make the world disappear. Eventually the days begin to meld together and you don't even care enough to pretend you noticed.

Two Men and My Hippie.

Grief and sadness knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger than common joys.

That knot you get in your stomach, that ache you get in your chest. The pain of knowing you never said goodbye. When you feel moments of relief, that is their way of telling you it's all going to be okay.
M.B. - E.D. - C.L.

Nightmare.

I gently tossed flower petals for you this evening. Then I realized how terrible it is, to love something that death can take from you in an instant. My worst nightmare continues to come true. With each passing, it creeps closer and closer to my heart. And instantly the physical pain becomes moot. It fades away and all I can feel is this burden inside my heart. Like a cold, wet blanket has been placed over my soul. Maybe in a song, maybe in the wind, maybe in the sunshine, maybe in the rain...you'll be always there. But right now, all I see is a lack of color. You took it all with you when you left.

Here is gone.

See You Next Time.

I love to go back and remember what it was like at the beginning. To read my own words and feel that burn in my throat. The grin on my face knowing that all the things I always wanted from you never came true. There was a huge journey encompassing and orbiting all of my wildest dreams and obsessions. And now I know.

None of it was real anyway.