Chronicles of L. VonDeadly

Just Sayin'.

Even the most primitive of society has an inate respect for the insane.

Sunshine On My Shoulders Makes Me Happy.

It isn't often that a pure white light is brought into my life. There are so many dirty red lights, ice cool blue lights, warm friendly orange lights, deathly black lights...rarely pure white ones. Shining white lights that stand for peace, calm, understanding, patience, kindness and truth. And when those lights come into my life, they are often out of reach. I can always feel my fingers skim the outer rays eminating from the brilliance but I can never grasp the light in my palm, and carry it with me to light my way. I tried to bask in the white light and move on this time, not bothering to try. Embarassed it would be out of my reach yet again. As I turned to go, my path being lit by luminous purple, I felt a warmth against my neck. Chills coursed through my body. And I knew the light had found its way to me. Blessed was I, that when I gave up I was finally embraced. I can sleep soundly now, for I am protected. I can smile now because I am comforted. I can cry now because the warmth will dry my tears. I can breathe now because I know I have found peace. Bless you, white light.

Change The World.

Life seems to always fall back into the same place it has always been. It takes a major change to see any real difference. And I'm so sick of making huge decisions that seem so monumental to me, and no one around me seems to notice. I took the step. I did it. For once I spared someone instead of watching them drown. And it's fucking hard damn it, so a little props would be nice. But since this seems to be a normal practice in daily life. Alas, earwax.

There is a saying, one step forward and two steps back. I go two steps forward and two steps back. Always in different directions. North, south, east and west. Forward, backward, side and side. Diagonal, zig-zag, across the bridge and through the woods. [Funny things can happen in the woods.] And I always take the two steps back to my original starting place. I am always in the same place. Dragging, lagging and always in the same place. I never knew being predictable was so tiring.

I wish I could change the world. This has nothing to do with you, or with me or with the general population, but rather the entire world. I, Lauren VonDeadly, am so sick of this world. In all it's beauty, I am still not convinced the wicked doesn't overcome. Doesn't reign free. I am not convinced. I sit, cross legged, in the middle of the grass. I see prancing dogs, sunshine, blue skies and life all around me. Then I hear the rushing of cars, the laughter of people and the sweet sound of music. None of this compares to the emptiness I feel. The wicked inside, has won for today.

Heaven.

Where do you go when you go there? You disappear and you always come back, but I miss you when you go. And I get lonely. People see me with you, but they don't see how you've left my presence. Your eyes, glazed. Your jaw, clenched. Your hands, wringing in your lap. Where do you go? Can I come too? Or is it a solitary place. Is it a calming oasis or a blindingly painful place? Can I come either way? You know I'd go to the ends of the earth to fully understand you. Thinking about everything has it's downfalls. You can't change the world, but I can still be the sunlight in your universe. I never thought that for every hour I get with you, I get two without. Though I can't get too upset, you do always come back. Different than before, snapped out of a reverie I don't understand. A place of confinement. Solitary confinement apparently, seeing as how I'm not invited. Is it because you're scared? Do I scare you? Or does me knowing your innermost thoughts scare you. That scares anyone. I told you I'd get used to it though I don't want to get used to it. We are young and wild and free. But let's be those things together. Yes I know it's complicated, but LIFE is complicated. Me and you. We can't be a we if you don't let me in. I can't crack open your skull and get comfy. Walk around and learn the sights. I wish I could.

So you are just going to have to let me in or you will lose me.

Please don't lose me.

You Drive Me.

You all drive me to different things. To drink, to smoke, to laugh, to cry...to live. I crave life. You make me crave more of it. All of you. Friends, lovers, family, enemies alike. And those that are somewhere in between definition are the strongest driving forces. Halfway between friend and lover? Between friend and enemy? Between lover and enemy? You are the enigmas [yeah, I said it] that drive me to the edge of my sanity. Bless your little hearts for doing so.

Words To Count Upon.

The cause of this, I know not
Whither they left, nor why.
But I do remember their laughter
And the bright of their smiles passing by.
Their presence is always upon us,
However alone we feel,
The memories we keep replaying,
Do not help us heal.

I search in vain for the reason
Cause this I do not know,
I do know youth is lovely,
I do know youth must go.
The pain has not yet settled,
The pain just will not end.
They left this world without us,
They left us with one less friend.

To The Ones Who Can't Hear Me.

I always cry at night. I don't know why, but right before sleep everything seems much more monumental. All the suffocations become too much to take. It is why I am awake. It is why I don't sleep. It is why I am writing to you now.

I have this fire constantly burning in my chest, small nuances are slow drips of lighter fluid. ACUs. Blue trucks. Lollipop by Lil Wayne. Southern accents. Pictures. How was I supposed to know you were on Yahoo News? I just wanted a quality picture of your handsome face. Instead I was faced with a quality picture of the salute they gave your coffins. Fuck lighter fluid, that was a tank of gasoline.

This still feels wrong. This isn't the way this was supposed to be. No one I love was supposed to be hurt. But now they are shot, mangled, torn and murdered. And for what? Can you answer that? Do you even know? None of it would matter anyway. Nothing is worth another human life. Not religion, not culture, not societal norms.

You shouldn't have beat your friends home.

Cold.

I'm not going to shut up and be subservient. I will not succumb to this disgusting portrait you painted and expect me to fit into. Arguably, the hardest part of life is living in it. And here I am living no thanks to you. I can't breathe with you all around me. Constantly down my neck. Can't you see you're suffocating me? Like vultures, you walk in a tight circle around my dead body, picking off what you want and leaving the rest of me for the other scavengers. Well guess what? It's over. I know that doesn't change what I want. I want you. I'm just being weak and selfish. And it's killing me. I can't let this go on. The worst part is I feel sorry for you. You are clearly so self centered that none of you see what you're doing. And just like I've always said, like it has always been, SSDD...People always leave. They checkout of their skulls and leave me there to keep them company.

Fucking fuck.

Do You Want Some?

 I want simplicity and clearly defined expectations.

I miss you terribly. I miss you with my entire soul.
I ache in my chest for your voice and smell and skin and smile.
I need you here with me or else I feel like a zombie.
Like my spark is missing. You are my spark.
You light me up inside and all of a sudden everything becomes clear.
You give me the one tool I need to feel like I'm truly living.
Every second with you in life is a second that I feel has been spent to it's fullest.
No regrets as long as we're together.
That, to me, is love.
To honestly say that you simply being in my presence has such a profound effect on me.
I love you with my soul.
Toenails to eyebrows, love you.
I love the way you shine in a room. Love the way everyone is drawn to you.
You exude such pure joy that you attract people.
I love your beautiful smile.
 Dimples, crows feet, squinty eyes, huge gummy smile...
That smile kills me and brings me to life.

I will tell you however that loneliness adds a bit of bite to life. Reminds me that I'm alive. Things taste different, it's harder to give a crap, which is always refreshing. The bitter taste of dinner alone. The intriguing and mysterious reality of it all.

I'll Never Tell.

You still do that thing you do. I really shouldn't let you. I should have some common decency, enough to not add gasoline to the flame. And then you go and make that eye contact. And my stomach sinks. Fuuuck. I'm screwed, huh? Damn you. I'd really love to be alone with you. Just so I could know what it feels like again. We are rarely alone. I don't even know if we'd talk. I bet we wouldn't. You'd look down and ever so often, glance up and lock eyes with me for just long enough. And when you do, I am frozen. The world kind of melts away and I get this tunnelvision and all I see is your eyes. And then it's gone as quick as it came. And I obsess over it. I analyze everything. Most likely I over analyze. Maybe this entire thing is over speculation. My bored mind creating something that isn't there for entertainment. Survival. To survive I must always have a constant feeling of change. Newness. So here you come along and instantly I'm pretty positive you are going to be trouble all over again.

Here's to hoping, love.
L. VonD