It angers me that you affected my life the most. That I still think of you everyday. I avoid places and situations out of fear. I flinch and panic. How I could possibly fear you now is hard to understand. Yet I do. You've wasted away and your poor soul has been dying for years. Sometimes I wonder when I will get the call that you're dead. I don't think it would relieve any of this. It would almost be worse. I've never gotten the chance to sit in a room with you and tell you exactly what you did. I'm sure you've even done worse since, which leaves me with a feeling of guilt. And I pray your actions were relatively victimless. I've barely talked to anyone about you. I vaguely remember a hug from someone who at the time, meant the world to me. And all I wanted to do was laugh. Here was a vulnerable moment that I was sharing with the one person I held higher than anyone else and all I could do was smile. It felt incredible to relieve myself of the pressure of your existence. Then I told another. And another. And today, I don't smile when I speak of you anymore. Now I wince. I share my past and experiences with people around me, but I never reveal how I feel about them. I don't talk about it. I have to keep that part to myself. If I release that, I give them the power. And then when they leave I have nothing. People always leave. I've learned that. So I tell them about you, how vile and disgusting a point your life must have withered to, and I pray that through knowing me they will know you. And by knowing you, they will find that their sanctity of compassion is renewed.
You stopped making my heart race in a good way a long time ago. I'm sorry to tell you so. But I can't keep living with the passion that you're giving when it rips apart my already weakened soul. I have always given you an open door into myself and it's time to lock it and throw the key into the ocean. I can't stay with you in this game of cat and mouse any longer. You always were stubborn. I always was stubborn. Oil and water? No. Fire and ice? No. All the fire and destruction still burns in me and even scalding water couldn't erode what you've left me with. I do have a number of nights that will eternally hold a special place in my soul and for that I thank you. When I am on the other end of this life and I am retracing my hasty steps, I will remember you and smirk. Then I will crack open a fresh tube of cookie dough and breathe.
You forgot me. Tried to forget me? Didn't forget me? Wanted to forget me? Do you even know anymore? Was it all in my mind? You'll have to excuse me if it was, I often find that it is 6 days later than I thought and I have a vague memory of real life, and a vivid memory of the life I live in my head. All I need to know is that it was real. Even a minuscule part of it. I need to calm the angry voices in my mind that are telling me I imagined your existence. The idea that you exist, even if I may never see you again, is true relief. Give me relief. Just say yes.
