You will never know what the sensation of desperation feels like when it tingles over your cold skin at night. When you are so tired and your heart just can’t take anymore. Your brain over exerts itself and instead of overheating, goes frigid. And if you were to tell anyone exactly what you were desperate for, they would give you a look of horror and disgust and hope beyond hope that you were making some sick twisted joke. But the joke is on them. They don’t know. You don’t know. But I do. Sometimes I want to just say it out loud. But then, what if the one thing I sometimes want comes true? Why, then I will spend my life convinced that I willed it into existence and that would be a truth too difficult to carry. I would disappear. But carrying it around is clearly too difficult a burden to carry as well so what do I do? I can’t begin to say it out loud. I’ve never even fully thought it in my head. I just know that in the back of my mind, it seems like it would relieve me. I don’t wish this un-thought thought, truly. Out of desperation, it just naturally pops into my head as the solution. Logically my brain found the way in which my suffering can cease. I wonder if you’ve thought it. Some have thought about it, and it happened. Some haven’t thought about it and it happened. Some have thought about it and it didn’t happen. Which category will you fall in? What about me? Here I am, sitting cross-legged at the bottom of a well, and sometimes the ground upon which I sit begins to rise. I feel myself begin inched closer and closer to the light and warmth of the glow above me. Then it shudders to a halt, dropping my stomach and stopping my heart. My hopes diminish as I realize that maybe I will never get there. That’s when the vicious case of the chills sinks in, when the un-thought thought crosses my morbid mind.
I will carry on now, etching my sorrows in the dirt on the walls of my abyss. Hoping that it doesn’t happen, hoping I never not-think it again. And hoping, more than any other hope I can hope, that you come home safe.
