Chronicles of L. VonDeadly

Stranger Danger.

Sometimes I imagine you've just walked into wherever I am. I see your face in strangers. I double take as if there was any chanceinhell it was you. Yeah, right. The most I can expect from you anymore is a passing comment and that is if I am lucky. You are the only one who has ever brokenmyheart. A feat in itself. It hits me like a ton of bricks in the face, an elephant on my chest, the world on my shoulders. Life is such a hassle without you in it and even worse when you are here. It is a fruitless, moot point now. And all I can do is project this onto every poor soul I meet as if it were their fight, their problem. It is easy to tell the truth, if you can just get your voice to stop shaking. Are you just another conquest? If I had been the conqueror would I be so caught up in your every action? Who knows anymore. All I can tell you is that I owe this girl an apology for staring at her all night. I should probably tell her that I am nothing to fear. Just a lonely soul looking for you.

Last Laugh.

I know, you knew, I know.

They don't stop to talk, they just pass and grin. Fooled by a smile, they wave as the joke is on them. I am baffled that you believed it. I am shocked that you assumed so many things. I am terrified that everything I've ever said to you is now ammunition. My tongue must spill these truths bursting from my heart or else the chest concealing it may burst.

Not never. You know that. You've always known that. NOT NEVER. I could write a thousand words to show you what you mean and it would all be in haste. I can't win. I will never win. I will always be this one way mirror to you. Spill your every thought, hope, dream and fantasy into me. All you will see is it reflected. All the while I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to make you understand that everything I'm saying is coming from a place of true love and adoration for you. Yet, It's too late.

You lost me. Not when you said the love was gone. Not when you found someone new. Not when you assumed that I was acting the way you expected. You lost me today. When the respect flew out the window. When you didn't trust your gut - and took me for a fool. I'm not. You are. And in the end I still have the last laugh.

 

Riot.

You want a riot? I'll give you one. You have no idea who I am. How alike we really are. How easily I recognize those tells. Those key movements that give way to the nerves. Eating your soul alive everytime you lie. Everytime you scare yourself with how easily it comes, and how shockingly perfect it sounds to the untrained ear.

Yes, it's magnetic. There is no doubt. But  I see through you. I cannot judge, nor give you any reason to stop the lies and sneaky behavior. God knows I am guiltier than thee. But I will tell you this. It will never work. Magnetism aside. Harmony aside. I will never believe a word that comes out of that succulent mouth. Because there will always be the voice in the back of my mind telling me it likely isn't true. I stopped being the victim a long time ago. I eat people like you for breakfast. So please spare me the melodrama this time and just back away slowly, or else a riot is exactly what you will get.

Fools.

I am a despicable addict to the worst kind of drug. Love. I am knee deep in a desperate need, that bad pleasure that is amazingly good. How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard? If only this kind of desperation were as easy to succumb to in real life. I yearn for the day I can find someone that I love and worship as eagerly as I do this feeling of numb But I can't. Or I haven't yet. Either way.

I miss you.

 

Lay Your Shit Bare.

Broken Strings.

How much would you bet that if I tried hard enough I would spontaneously combust? How do I end up this way...a constant knot in my gut tied into a bow of uncertainty and lust. The only problem is my eyelids are heavy and my mind is tired, or else I would gladly put in the effort to untie the knot. Also, the release will send uncertainty like a wave through my entire body, making my hands go numb and my tongue paralyzed. And I will be forced to concede with the truths I've avoided. It is just easier to live with the uncomfort and swallow the flames billowing from inside.

And here I thought I just had heartburn.

Until The Sun Turns Black.

I never learned to count my blessings, I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.

I want to be there for you until the sun turns black. When the zombie apocalypse is at our door and we have one magazine of ammunition left, I want to kiss you, wink and go out guns blazing. When the world falls apart on the darkest of days, when the it feels like no one is on your side. Consider me tied to the end of your kite, with an endless amount of give. You can go far away from here - but here, I will always be. Until the end. You've everything you need in front of you and so I know eventually you'll come home. And some days I may start to turn and walk away from you too. And that's okay. I'll know if you need me, I'll feel a sharp tug on my heartstrings. Is that what love is? I don't really know anymore. I do know you appeared right as I learned to count my blessings and that can't be a coincidence. Here's to the next step towards leaving my disasters in the past.

Giant Tree Branching Out Of The Sky.

My loyalty, while debatable to some, is iron clad to others. Maybe it isn't clear. Maybe I've never quite been good with words, not really. My loyalty lies in you. To a fault. Though my dignity means everything to me, when you hold it in your hands and crush it - it understandably loses some value. My loyalty has proved poisonous. You're here to defend my honor and protect my pride. Your disrespect feels like oil caught on fire being poured slowly on my open heart. What about what I need? What about what's best for me? What about how I feel? What about me? We are supposed to be growing closer, wiser, together. Constantly improving. Look what you've done now.

 

Thanks for that.

 

Alone In My Adversities.

By exposing my past hurdles I am reminded that I am far from alone in my adversities.

This apprehension wells up inside of me. My mind organizes these terrorizing encounters into a highlight reel that is embellished through my own imagination then called upon to torture me for the rest of my life. Being dredged up over and over, turning innocuous everyday occurences into terrifying threats against my very survival. Every noise that isn't immediately identifiable willl make me think that something or one is trying to kill me. To hurt me.

As the adrenaline leaves my heart bursting, I open my eyes with apprehension and my fists clenched; I realize it was just a dream. And I am safe in this bed. I am safe this time.

 

Les Fleurs Du Mal.

If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking and you beat love down.

Thank you for the pain, I need it for my art. It is clarifying. In these shadows of my heart, you provide me with the contrast I need. Without your darkness, I wouldn't understand the true brightness I am capable of. You left me in the dark. Now it is dawn. It is day.