Chronicles of L. VonDeadly

No Need.

No need for regrets

For mistakes made yesterday

The past is gone.

 

No looming fate,

No uncontrollable destiny,

No hunger,

No sickness,

No fear,

No death.

Nothing ahead, nothing behind.

Just stillness. Light. Warmth.

The pain you felt

The pain you may have caused others

is behind you.

No looking back.

No fear of what will come.

Just the pulse of time.

Invigorating, soothing.

I am here. You will never be alone.

Belief.

Why is it that we see what we want to believe, but we don't believe what we see?

Because we have hope.

Because we want to believe in the good.

Because usually the truth just sucks.

Hokay, So.

What asshole really creates computer viruses as a hobby? Are you really that poor that you need to attempt to steal my personal information? Clearly you have the skills in information technology that you should be able to get a job somewhere. Also, I am not stupid enough to keep documents on my computer with social security numbers and bank account information in them. Besides, you don't WANT my credit information. Apply for a credit card with my name. I dare you. Please record the conversation and let me listen to it later because I can bet they would laugh in your face. Do you really want all of my passwords? Oooo, MySpace, Facebook, Flickr, Hulu, YouTube, Typepad.... There are some interesting websites that no one else in the world uses. Very important information on there. Are you really that bored? Go see a fucking movie. Go bowling. Visit a friend. Are you really that friendless? Join a fucking club and/or organization. Go talk in some geek chat room or post your Yahoo Personals page. But staythefuckaway from my COMPUTER you flaming sack of giraffe shit.

Oh, P.S. hacker freak, I restored my system to a week ago and reinstalled AVG. No more Feedwater virus pour moi. Suck on them dry powdered milk titties.

Here, On The Ground.

Has the strangest sensation of spiritual unrest. That would be my status right now. Do you ever find yourself thinking in status language? While you are eating pistachio ice cream, in your head you think "...is eating pistachio ice cream." Yeah, I do that. Back to the spiritual unrest. That knot you feel in your stomach sometimes. Maybe when you're angry, or scared. I feel that now. But I have no reason to be angry or scared. Just constant anxiety. Heart racing, shallow breathing, butterflies in the stomach, insomnia-ridden anxiety. Unrest. Spiritual unrest. Pouring another drink helps. Sincerely saying out loud all the things that perplex me into the early hours of morning helps too. Dogs can't talk, thank God. I don't even know if they can listen either really, but an attentive yet silent audience far beats a barely listening loud mouth one.

I quit smoking two weeks ago. I started smoking again 13 days ago. It was a good process for me. I felt accomplished. Then the nagging urge to smoke a cigarette, have a cup of coffee, and bitch about my life just resurfaced and I decided that I like my life. Menthols and caffeine and sarcasm included. Then I began to reason with myself, since Chewy was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him. Who decides what a "bad" habit is? Is it bad because it feels good? Because it makes me feel better? That seems to be the only common denominator in all my vices. Smoking calms me down, and fills my body with toxins. [So does eating meat filled with hormones and chemicals.] Caffeine wakes me up, tastes good, and makes my body reliant on an outside substance. [So does taking aspirin, ibuprofen, cold medicine, etc. Which I don't take.] Sarcasm gives me an outlet to be a bigfatwhiner, and has the rare occurrence of pissing people off. If you think that time will change your ways, don't wait too long.

So, in light of the spiritual unrest, I embraced my vices back into welcome arms. One vice I've found that will never cease to MOISTen my soul, music. Not just any music, mind you. Songs that speak. Songs that use words to alter your entire thought process. I love it even better when finding them is a mistake. Something always brings me back to these songs. It never takes too long.

Cheers to the cheapest happiness. 5.49 - Menthol. 3.52 - Caffeine. Free - Sarcasm & Music.

Sigh.

...where passion meets bitter humor. That pretty much sums me up doesn't it? I have passion. Endless amounts of passion. Too much, for some people's tastes I'm sure of it. I'm sorry if the following passion is too messy and gets all over your neatly knitted sweater. Buy a bib, buttercup.

I am a wreck. Let's be honest here. I like to pretend I have my shit together, but I am wandering aimlessly in life at the moment and need my character defining treasures to keep me together while I'm falling apart. It is so hard when someone is directly malicious, vindictive and relentless about making you feel insignificant. Subtle, but true. When someone is hellbent on twisting circumstances and power to jab at you in such a way that it is hard to detect. Well, if you are an avid reader or close friend you will know that my bullshit detector is keen. I detect thy bullshit. I know what is going on. I've always hated the phrase "don't take it personal." Nalright.

Look, here's the scoop: I am not mad. I am not upset. I am hurt. I know it must be hard to understand someone who has feelings and isn't a robot, but I am hurt that I thought higher of you than you thought of me. I am hurt that I was slowly letting you in and you burned me. I am hurt that what I really needed was someone to believe in me and you shat on me instead. I could say foul things about you and I could mastermind vicious schemes but what would that make me? That would make me you. And that is why I am going to simply say, thank you for reminding me what it feels like to be human. I love raw emotions and you gave me the opportunity to feel them. It is a glorious gift. God bless, and good luck.

Postcards From The Edge

Everyone said the second half would go fast. Now that the countdown has hit under 6 months, the time is supposed to breeze by. Well I will tell you what, the breeze is not blowing in my part of town, people. Once I became aware of the fact that the halfway point had come and gone, time seemed to slow to a crawl. Eternally dampening my mood. I have been in such a rut and so edgy the past week. Nothing makes me happy, I'm hungry but don't want to eat, I annoy myself so much that I just want to hole away in my bed for the next few months. Unfortunately, too many people know I exist so that makes it difficult to disappear. No one will let me. I wish I could disappear from myself. Can humans hibernate? I'm going to look into that. Maybe cryogenic freezing.

Just for five months or so.

You Drive Me.

You all drive me to different things. To drink, to smoke, to laugh, to cry...to live. I crave life. You make me crave more of it. All of you. Friends, lovers, family, enemies alike. And those that are somewhere in between definition are the strongest driving forces. Halfway between friend and lover? Between friend and enemy? Between lover and enemy? You are the enigmas [yeah, I said it] that drive me to the edge of my sanity. Bless your little hearts for doing so.

Overload.

There are so many words, and so little time to express yourself. Actually, there aren't enough words. The emotions I feel and the experiences I have are beyond words. I'd have to create the word to accurately depict exactly how I feel. And no one sane could execute it anyway. And the reason I broach some topics and not others is because there are some things better left unsaid. Some things that would lead to a mental breakdown if I were to think about it. If I thought about it, then my mind would want to analyze it. And I don't think my psyche could take that right now. It just wouldn't really work. I can't handle that. I can't handle actually thinking. So I skate over the surface and breeze through, waiting. Biding my time until I can handle talking about it. Or even handle thinking about it. Until then, I choose what comes out. And right now, happy thoughts. Happy happy, joy joy.

Word to your motha,
LVD

She Don't Want.

You're the past, I'm the future. I'm the shit and you, my love, are stepping into a dangerous zone. I understand, I've been there. But you are not equipped to be handling this situation. You are non-existent. You took me by surprise only because my finely tuned radar didn't consider you worthy of mentioning. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but here's a little advice for you, find your own.

Find. Your. Own.

Thickset Arboreal Marsupial Herbivore.

Did You Know: Coalas have a slow metabolism and sleep for most of the day. The coala has a thick coat, large ears, and long limbs. Large, sharp claws. The coala is one of the few mammals that has fingerprints. Sooo...I'm a coala. With a C, duh.