Chronicles of L. VonDeadly

I Can't Remember When I Didn't Like You.

I like you
And I know why
I like you because
You are a good person
to like

I like you because
When I tell you something special
You know it's special
And you remember it
A long long time

You say
Remember when you told me
Something special
And both of us remember

When I think something is important
You think it's important too
We have good ideas
When I say something funny
You laugh
I think I'm funny and
You think I'm funny too
Hah-hah

I like you because
You know where I'm ticklish
And you don't tickle me there except
Just a little tiny bit sometimes
But if you do then I know where to tickle you too

You know how to be silly
That's why I like you
Boy are you ever silly
I never met anybody sillier than me
Till I met you
I like you because
You know when it's time to stop being silly
Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never
Oops too late
It's quarter past silly

We fool around the same way all the time
Sometimes we don't say a word
We snurkle under fences
We spy secret places
If I am a goofus on the roofus
Hollering my head off
You are one too

If I pretend I am drowning
You pretend you are saving me
If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag
Then you are getting ready to jump

That's because
You really like me

You really like me
Don't you
And I really like you back
And you like me back
And I like you back
And that's the way we keep on going
Every day

If you go away then I go away too
Or if I stay home
You send me a postcard
You don't just say
Well see you around sometime
Bye
I like you a lot because of that
If I go away
I send you a postcard too

And I like you because
If we go away together
And if we are in Grand Central Station
And if I get lost
Then you are the one that is yelling for me
Hey where are you
Here I am

And I like you because
When I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away
Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can't stand the other being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things
It takes time

I like you because if I am mad at you
Then you are mad at me too
It's awful when the other person isn't
They are so nice and hoo-hoo you could
Just about punch them in the nose

I like you because if I think I am going to
Throw up then you are really sorry
You don't just pretend you are busy looking at
The birdies and all that
You say maybe it was something you ate
You say the same thing happened to you one time
And the same thing did

If you find two four leaf clovers
You give me one
If I find four
I give you two
If we only find three
We keep on looking
Sometimes we have good luck
And sometimes we don't

If I break my arm and
If you break your arm too
Then it is fun to have a broken arm
I tell you about mine
You tell me about yours
We are both sorry
We write our names and draw pictures

I like you because
I don't know why but
Everything that happens
Is nicer with you
I can't remember when I didn't like you
It must have been lonesome then

I like you because because because
I forget why I like you
But I do
So many reasons
On the Fourth of July I like you because
It's the Fourth of July
On the Fifth of July
I like you too

If you and I had some drums
And some horns and some horses
If we had some hats and some
Flags and some fire engines
We could be a HOLIDAY
We could be a CELEBRATION
We could be a WHOLE PARADE
See what I mean

Even if it was the nine hundred and ninety ninth of July
Even if it was August
Even if it was way down at the bottom of November
Even if it was no place particular in January

I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again

That's how it would happen every time
I don't know why

I guess I don't know why I like you really
Why do I like you?
I guess I just like you
I guess I just like you
Because I like you

Many-a thought.

Balance of Power

You make me fear sleep. Not only can you haunt all my waking thoughts, you can appear in that peaceful place between sleep and being fully alert. Seconds before I finally drift off, I hear a faint laugh. My eyes dart open. I shoot up to see the full room. Sweaty chest, breathing rapidly... I realize the illusion you have created. Are you the one behind the bush? The hundred-dollar bill on a fishing line? Should I follow the cookie crumbles? The dangling carrot? Duh. So I take a deep breath, lie back, stare at the ceiling, and feign calm. And I wait. For, like the break in a storm, you will allow me to fall into a deep reverie before you strike again. And the giggle returns, and is now full, hearty laughter full of distrust. Yet you reach for my hand and we join. You stand in front of me. I gaze into the endless wonder that lies behind your eyes. I know something about you that you haven’t realized yet. And I feel a change in the air. A thickness disappears. The power is balanced, if only in this dream place. If this is the only place I will ever have you, I will take it. It has such a feeling of reality to it. I wonder if this is it. The it. The us. The one people talk about. You could be my one. Maybe this place is the only place you can express what you truly possess inside you. As often, dreams become that for people. What am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for you? I’ve got the time, but not the luxury.

Mercy

I am at your mercy. I have no power over you, and you have every power over me. If one day you will let me have what I want, that will be because it serves you best to relent, not because I have earned it. Or deserve it.

For the Dreamers

It seems to me you’ll never find another lover good as I, to give you all that you need. And I’ll be there to love you each and every night and all through the day. You can always count on me. I’m running out of ways to tell you how much I want this. What good is it doing me anymore? Second rate treatment. You make me crazy. I can’t keep feigning happiness with this situation. It may have been ill fated from the start and that start may have not been too long ago, but cut a gal some slack. See, I’m smiling. Now it’s as if you have changed in my mind. Am I creating a monster? Is that a horrible thing to think about someone? I’ve put you on a pedestal. The very thing I hate about love. The very thing I ran from. I run from. I am running from. Expectations. Isn’t it messed up how I’m just dying to be here? How I would go out of my way and put my livelihood on the line…just to see you smile. For a fraction of the attention I deserve. From anyone. Everything you embody makes me smile. I’m so accustomed to trickery, lies and deceit. You don’t accept any of it. Do I love you or the idea of you? The idea that someone somewhere doesn’t fall for the bullshit I’ve so delicately crafted since youth, is terrifying. My shell is not retractable and not semi-permanent. Yet somehow you got inside. Those eyes. Truth. Your eyes scream truth. I can’t handle truth. You scare me because I didn’t let you in, yet somehow here you are.

Stable

There has never been a more daunting phrase than “the possibilities are endless.” I don’t want endless options. I want to be guided in the right direction. Preferably one that has less vulnerability and a little more stability. There it is. That is what I crave. I crave stability. I can’t find the balance between stability and the newness of change that I so adore. I am so finely tuned, so in touch that every seemingly small happenstance makes me tip. Leaving my emotions in this constant wave motion. Not the sweet simple calming waves but thrashing electric frightening waves. The hole in my chest is worse than ever. It catches me off guard. Indecision. Fear. Pride. Is it possible to actively participate in all seven deadly sins at once?

Abyss

The waves of pain that had only lapped at low tide before, now come crashing down high and strong above me. They drag me under the surface of the icy water. I do not resurface. How could I have known what you were selling? How could I have known it would come to this? How deep my love goes I’m not telling. I just keep falling into our deep dark abyss. I cannot stop moving, but my body can do nothing else. My mind is endlessly running away from the hurt. The only thing I can hear around me is the steady beating of my heart. The blackness sweeps above my eyes invading my privacy when previously I could keep it away from the inside, I could keep some sliver of wholeness though I believed nothing left. I’m standing in the middle of a crowded room and no one sees my pain. The ache, the terror, the agony, the love… my draw towards you, my cocaine. I can feel their stares and sense the confusion when I violently slam through the door. Inside my head I’m begging you, pleading you; please no more, no more. You plague my thoughts and invade my dreams with your intoxicating gaze. You beckon to me with your sweet little hands, touching me in so many ways. Don’t put me back in this place again. The fire burning in my chest. My body aches to be with you. My heart completely possessed.

Sad Moon

The darkest of night gives me chills to the core, as I silently thank god for a full moon. A glowing orb to light my path, for I would have been lost quite soon. It illuminates what must be seen and keeps at bay the fear, by shadowing many frightening things, that I was unaware were here. You created the most sinister of paths, for me to walk through all alone, I don’t need your hand, I keep my eyes straight ahead, and I do not roam. So here I stand, so cold and alone, comforted, no thanks to you. How helpful that sad moon has been, I wish it only knew.

Vulnerability

You’ve begged, pleaded, plotted, screamed and flailed and yet you’ve still not got that thing that one thing that you most want, that you can’t live without. But have you taken the ultimate risk? Have you made yourself vulnerable? Say to yourself, “What is the most vulnerable position for me? How can I put myself at risk to lose everything that I have to lose?” Because when you risk losing everything, you inveritably stand to gain everything.

Vitamin String Quartet.

...this quartet is my new saving grace.

Chitlens.

Raising children. Whether it be having them naturally or adopting....I have a problem with it. I don't know if it is for me. Ever hear of parental alienation? Well I experienced it. There are women who lie through their teeth about how horrible of a person their ex is. And vice versa for men. Are they ever punished? Does that level of cowardice incite getting the child taken away as the supposed act would have? That is if they are ever caught. These ideas of fear and safety that have never been used by a child before are all of a sudden in their vocabulary? They were coached. I have been coached. It's bullshit. You can't undo that kind of stigma once it's done. So no, I don't know if I trust anyone else in this entire world enough to share a child with them. The child always loses. End point.

Cockily Capering.

To know the darkness is to love the light,
to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.

-The Book of Counted Sorrows

I've been cockily capering around insanity for a while now, let's be honest here. Sometimes I just want to laugh maniacally and shrug my shoulders. Say, "Meh. What can you do." It's always about making the best of a bad situation for me. I'm so sick of making the best of a bad situation. So I'm trying my hardest to make good situations. I must be out of shape. Cause it ain't working.

SCREAM.

I feel like a betrayer. I don't know if I made the right choice. I think I did. But from so many angles it seems....like revenge from me. It isn't revenge. I just wanted you alive. I'd rather suffer from your hands and let you crumble what I've been trying to rebuild...than have it all gone when you die. NO. I am not a complete bitch. NO. NO. NO. STOP SAYING THAT. I had to. I had no other choice. If it had gone further....I would've died myself. So fuck me. A thousand times, fuck me. I fucked you. I am a fucking bitch. Say it again. SCREAM IT AT ME. Because you still can damnit and I am fine with that. You can out me on every mistake I've ever made. The ones that keep me up at night. You can post them for the world to see. Because you didn't make the biggest mistake ever. You tried. But my act of selfishness stopped you. And I will be foreverly grateful that I did it. Whether you are or not.
[If you were faking, then you're the ass anyway. And since I seem to be the only person to believe you weren't faking, I must be the person that will take all the screaming with a shit-ass grin knowing that you're here to scream.] Now I feel the deepest ache to shout I'm sorry. To apologize. What is my mal-fucking-function? I defend you. I protect you. I trust you [the collective you]. And I say sorry for continuing to do it even at your supposed expense.

You kept saying you wish these were about you.
Now scream, darling. SCREAM.

The night is my companion, solitude my guide.

If you aren't an idiot, you can recognize the scheme of how my titles work.
For the rest of you, you've now seen they're all numerical plays on bands, songs, or movies titles.

This one isn't numerical.
It's just the truth.
Your words keep me alive.

I could be that one. I was so close to feeling the change in you. But it was ripped away again.
[Why me? I mean really...] Don't you think I've had enough now?
Nothing stands between us here, and I won't be denied.

...I'll take your breath away.
...Just close your eyes dear.

Fourteen Carat Mind.

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I will write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always. I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you. -Henry Rollins

How can you say you understand what you have not experienced? You can listen to my words and you can feel emotions regarding them. But don't take what I say as your own. [I could be talking about my damn cat for all you know.] Unrequited love. I know nothing of it, so no that isn't what I'm talking about. You're so vain, I bet you think this blog is about you. Don't you? Don't you? Don't you? Starve yourself of human connection. Then you can relate to my words. Find yourself swirling around the bottom of a bloody mary glass and stuck to resin on the side of a bowl, then tell me every stanza I type makes sense. Scream at the top of your lungs in the shower only because you were out of shampoo, then you will have felt my idiocy. Take joy in finding a million ways to screw yourself over. Then you have crawled a million miles in my boots. [Black scrunchy flat boots.] Revel in the fact that yes indeed, you have done it again. And my pride for you will overcome me. Be. Smart. Sexy. Dangerous. Let passion wash over you at all the wrong times. Let the suffocation you feel standing naked in an empty room fill your soul with more pain. Allow your shame to envelop you until the pressure bursts like a blowhole. Suck someone dry, make them cry, let them ride to hell between your thighs, curve the edge of your smile and wink. Make them beg for you to do it again. Get in, get off, and get the fuck out. Break them just because you can. Take small pleasures in seeing the flame die in their eyes. Taste. Nibble. Bite. Desire. Eat. Relish in. Sample. Savor. Smell. Sip. Trace. Yearn for....the other. Don't fight it. Embrace it and become a master. It's the only way to survive.

Now wait. Don't move. I know what you're about to feel. It isn't your fault. Blame your childhood. Blame your parents. Blame your priest. Blame your stepbrother. It isn't your fault. Thank Shiva your shield didn't falter. It's okay if you shatter into pieces. Just do it behind your armour so that you can pick yourself up and get it together before anyone sees that you are human. Not a Siren. Nor Succubus. Nor Nymph. [Though if I were a Siren, my song would be the women's vocal at the beginning of Rev. 22:20]

In spite of all this effort towards understanding what it takes to truly grasp my voice, you still have not scratched the surface of VonDeadly. Alas, I will write. Always. I will bring my night to you. In hopes that when your night comes, my words can be a flickering candle to guide you to your peace. Because I blew my candle out ages ago out of pride. And now I'm blindly wandering.

Someone give me light.