Chronicles of L. VonDeadly

El Que Se Fue.

Te amo sin saber cómo,

ni cuándo, ni de dónde,

te amo directamente

sin problemas ni orgullo:

asi te amo porque no sé

amar de otra manera.

You still haunt me. I wish I could've understood you better. I wish you would've let me. Sometimes I like to dream about you. We'd go to the market and pick fresh vegetables, drink lattes and laugh about life. We'd eat our vegetarian dinner and curl up with wine to watch a movie. Pour ourselves into bed with puppies and start again the next day. None of these things will happen. You will never read this. Your sun-kissed chin will never rest upon your elegant hand and your almond eyes will never grace this page. Yet we are not alone. I just hope you think upon our fleeting moments as I do, and get lost in thought. Picturing an ideal world, where we are a pair.

Do You Want Some?

 I want simplicity and clearly defined expectations.

I miss you terribly. I miss you with my entire soul.
I ache in my chest for your voice and smell and skin and smile.
I need you here with me or else I feel like a zombie.
Like my spark is missing. You are my spark.
You light me up inside and all of a sudden everything becomes clear.
You give me the one tool I need to feel like I'm truly living.
Every second with you in life is a second that I feel has been spent to it's fullest.
No regrets as long as we're together.
That, to me, is love.
To honestly say that you simply being in my presence has such a profound effect on me.
I love you with my soul.
Toenails to eyebrows, love you.
I love the way you shine in a room. Love the way everyone is drawn to you.
You exude such pure joy that you attract people.
I love your beautiful smile.
 Dimples, crows feet, squinty eyes, huge gummy smile...
That smile kills me and brings me to life.

I will tell you however that loneliness adds a bit of bite to life. Reminds me that I'm alive. Things taste different, it's harder to give a crap, which is always refreshing. The bitter taste of dinner alone. The intriguing and mysterious reality of it all.

I'll Never Tell.

You still do that thing you do. I really shouldn't let you. I should have some common decency, enough to not add gasoline to the flame. And then you go and make that eye contact. And my stomach sinks. Fuuuck. I'm screwed, huh? Damn you. I'd really love to be alone with you. Just so I could know what it feels like again. We are rarely alone. I don't even know if we'd talk. I bet we wouldn't. You'd look down and ever so often, glance up and lock eyes with me for just long enough. And when you do, I am frozen. The world kind of melts away and I get this tunnelvision and all I see is your eyes. And then it's gone as quick as it came. And I obsess over it. I analyze everything. Most likely I over analyze. Maybe this entire thing is over speculation. My bored mind creating something that isn't there for entertainment. Survival. To survive I must always have a constant feeling of change. Newness. So here you come along and instantly I'm pretty positive you are going to be trouble all over again.

Here's to hoping, love.
L. VonD

Oh, whatever shall I do? I am simply all aflutter.

Let me.
Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time.
But of course I would share your bed, darling.
Darling.

C'est moi. Le sigh. 

From The Journals of Gnaf.

There are 5 people who will understand the title, and that's the way I like it.

 

 

 

 

Mere hours of being without you and I see you everywhere I go. You haunt me. Reminders of you everywhere. You're driving me crazy. But you don't see me. You don't need me. You don't crave me. The way I wish you would, the way I know you could. And it confuses and burns me with every intake of unkind breath I take, not in your presence. You are intoxicating to the most extreme. I yearn to be inches from you again. The energy was immeasurable. And the first moment I laid eyes on you all I wanted was to run my hands through that beautiful hair. To know every detail about your most interesting life. To be privvy to your thoughts. I would be honored to have you at my side eternally. I would need only your touch to survive. It gives me more energy than any food or drink. Yet your stubbornness is my greatest obstacle. I cannot give you the strength to find your own truth. But yet I cannot escape you. So what am I to do? I must wait. Wait for a resolution that may never come. I do not want to search for you in every pair of lips I kiss. I do not want to constantly wonder if you are thinking of me. I want to know you are. Some part of me does. But all I truly desire is to see the fire behind your eyes. I want you to let go. I want you to revel in the sweet release. Feel the air thicken with desire. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are sweet. You are kind. I can now only hope that the song inside my soul will finally be heard by the only person truly worthy of ever hearing it.

Come Out With It Already

It's too dangerous for me to concious at this point. Feels way too unnatural. I am devastated.crushed.fallen.torn. battered.broken.bruised.scathed. And all in haste. My existence feels mocked. I need to be comatose.

Rush, Rush.

With your brow on my brow, with your mouth on my mouth, our bodies tied to the love consumes us, let the wind pass and not take me away. This is all I ask of you. Though with every breath it becomes clear you can't give it to me. My daydreams star you. Do I even cross your mind? Do you think of me? My soul feels like it's trapped in a sweltering cage. This fire you ignite inside me has no release and it is burning away at my entirety. everywhere I look I see your face. And the worst part is I don't think you have any idea. The idea of being so close to you without touching causes me physical pain. I slid to meet your skin with mine because even in a moment, I feel alive. You make me strive to be better. You make me yearn to know every inch of you. Every desire, every thought. Do you want to know the truth about forever? I see it in your eyes. Your pure, caring, beautiful eyes. I'm transfixed and trying so desperately not to be so. But I search for you on every street. In every store. Let me be near you.

Napkin Swan.

There is a napkin shaped like a swan sitting in front of me. I couldn't be happier. Yet I couldn't be more distressed. I am so all over the place it's unnerving. I try and clear my mind but all I can do is sit. I see black. Shades of silver. Gray. I think I can help you and I think that I could make you best the way you can. I can't read you. It's so unsetlling to be around you. You frustrate the living shit out of me. Yep, this is me clearing out my mind for bed. It is working so well obviously. If I clear out my mind then I won't dream about you. And if I don't dream about you then I get to have real rest tonight. My thoughts won't be plagued by you constantly. I will get a break. A small amount of time where you aren't engrossing me. Thinking of you now as my eyes slowly start to drift. I touched you today. So briefly but the electricity was so unbearable. I just want to press my lips against yours. Is that so hard to ask. Or should I just take it. One swift motion. Quick, painless and honest. The most honest thing I will ever do is kiss you.  I want to know everything about you. I want to know what it is like to be you. Dating, eating, living, loving, every little bit because I think you are amazing. It makes no sense to me why this is so hard. When you boil it down, it seems so simple. I adore you. Every move, every sound and every eye contact moment. I'm completely entranced and enthralled by you. For days it is a constant cycle of revolving the days around when I see you. Thoughts always drifting. Nothing ever getting accomplished. I can be so close to you. I have been. But nothing comes of it.

I'm torturing myself slowly.
At least I'll have my npakin swan tonight.

Thank you, for reminding me of you even in absence.

Be Near You.

Rush. Crush. Such innocence. Such purity.

Save me from myself. By saving you, I am saving me. I can feel it. Electricity from the beginning. No tomorrow for us. Can you feel it? Do I see what I want to see? As if life wasn't already complicated enough. If I had just one opportunity. Just one. I would take it. No questions asked. No hesitation. Who would hesitate? So many things to take into consideration. So many obstacles. My inner pessimist says I'm way off. But I can't shake that actions speak louder than words. And there was definitely action. A small colony of butterflies hatches in my belly everytime you walk by. I just want to touch you. My chest sinks and a feel a come down from euphoria whenever you leave. I am trapped in a cage. You're safe. But all it takes is one moment. I don't want to con this one. I don't want to waste this one. You are beautiful. You make me feel like my chest is vibrating. My lips throb when you get that close. You smell clean and intoxicating. [I admit it, the pathway wasn't that skinny, I just wanted to brush against you.] Sweet dreams are made of this. I focused on you before bed so I could see more of you. But I wouldn't allow that to happen. My brain kicked in and made my worst nightmare come to life before my eyes. No one else can touch you like that. You're sweet. I have been broken more than I've had time to repair myself. My intricate, delicate life is controlled and maintained by a huge web of strings. Me, the puppeteer.

You do feel it, don't you. It's pure fire. I knew you did. Time is running out. I will make this happen. An opening may not come...and soon time will have run out. Do you want to be wondering what could have been. Not in the bigger sense of things. Just, don't you wonder what the real thing would feel like? Do you wonder how I feel? How I smell? How I taste? What I like? Or is this all way too far out for you. I hope not. You give me such inspiration. So alive. I don't want to ruin you. I am a hurricaine. It's what I do. I ruin people. Endless amounts of people. I don't want to drag you into my web. I don't want you connected to my strings. I just want to touch you. Talk to you about meaningful things. Be near you.

Let me be near you.

Demons.

I'm sitting in the chair writhing in agony. A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there. Fucking with my head. "Abraxas," he says. "I'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit. So, what do you want to know about lies my dear?" I'm not a liar. I try again to get up. This time I'm flayed, spayed. I feel myself screaming. "I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies and many shades of gray lies. But some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness. Lies that preserve dignity. Lies that spare pain. Everybody's a liar. Look at that one, about to tell her lover something patiently untrue. Now a different pair. Look at these gestures... see how they touch each other too intimately. How they avert their eyes and cover their mouths. Lick their teeth and hold their chins. They embellish their stories with far too much detail."